Every marriage has hard seasons. Every couple argues, gets frustrated, and occasionally wonders what they signed up for. That part is normal, and nobody should feel ashamed of it.
But there is a quieter question worth asking: what do you do with those frustrations? Who do you tell, and how do you tell it?
Ellen White offered some counsel here that still holds up. Writing specifically about a wife confiding in another man, she said it "violates her marriage vows" and "dishonors her husband" (The Adventist Home, p. 337). The same principle runs the other direction. The heart of what she is getting at is not about rigid rules for who you are allowed to vent to. It is about protecting your spouse's dignity, even when you are upset with them.
Why This Matters More Than It Seems
When you are frustrated, it is tempting to look for validation. To tell a friend, a coworker, a parent, anyone who will agree that you are right and your spouse is wrong. It feels good in the moment. But it slowly does something corrosive, it turns your spouse into a character in a story you are telling other people, instead of a person you are actively working things out with.
It also means other people start forming opinions about your spouse based only on your worst, most frustrated moments, never seeing the full person you fell in love with.
What to Do Instead
This does not mean you go through hard seasons completely alone. Bringing struggles to God, to a licensed counselor, or to a trusted spiritual mentor is different from venting to whoever will listen. The difference is intention, are you looking for help resolving something, or are you just looking for someone to agree your spouse is the problem?
A Wedding Planning Parallel
This habit starts early, sometimes even during engagement. If you find yourself constantly complaining about your partner to friends during the planning process, that is worth noticing now. Learning to bring concerns directly to your partner, rather than around them, is a skill that will serve your marriage for decades.
Questions to Talk Through Together
- Who do we each currently vent to when we're frustrated with each other, and does that feel like it helps or just relieves pressure?
- What would it look like to bring a frustration straight to each other first, before anyone else hears about it?
- Is there a counselor, mentor, or pastor we'd want lined up before the wedding, just in case we need one later?
Protect your spouse's dignity, even in your most frustrated moments. Especially then.
Part three of our Married Life series. Catch up with Marriage Isn't a Ladder, It's a Table, or continue to Nobody Wins an Argument With Their Spouse.