A lot of engaged couples worry when they discover, sometimes for the first time during wedding planning, that they do not see eye to eye on everything. They panic a little. Does this mean we are not compatible? Does this mean something is wrong?
Here is some good news: no marriage is built on perfect agreement. It is built on unity, and those are two very different things.
Ellen White wrote that "the happiness and prosperity of the married life depend upon the unity of the parties" (The Adventist Home, p. 83). Notice she did not say it depends on agreement. Unity is something bigger and sturdier than agreement, it is the sense that you are on the same team even when you are seeing something differently.
Agreement Versus Unity
Agreement means you think the same thing. Unity means you are committed to working through it together, no matter what either of you individually thinks. You can disagree about how to spend a Saturday, how to raise future children, how much to save versus spend, and still be completely united as a couple, if the disagreement is handled with respect and a shared commitment to figuring it out together. Amos 3:3 asks the question behind all of this: "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" The walking together, moving in the same direction with the same commitment, is unity. It is not the same as agreeing on every step.
The couples who struggle most are not usually the ones who disagree the most. They are the ones who let disagreement turn into distance.
Practicing Unity During Wedding Planning
Wedding planning has a way of surfacing every difference of opinion you have, tastes in decor, ideas about money, thoughts on family involvement. Instead of treating disagreement as a red flag, treat it as practice. Can we disagree about this centerpiece and still feel like a team by the end of the conversation? That skill matters far more than the centerpiece ever will.
Questions to Talk Through Together
- What is something we currently disagree about, wedding-related or not, where we still feel like a team?
- Where has a disagreement recently created distance instead of just difference, and what happened?
- What does "unity" look like for us in practice, even when we don't land on the same answer?
Unity is not the absence of difference. It is what holds two different people together anyway.
This is the final post in our six-part Married Life series. Start from the beginning with The Words You Choose Are Building Something, Or Tearing It Down, or revisit The Person Who Can Hurt You Most Is Also the One Who Can Heal You Most.